What if Jesus were me for a day?

A number of years ago, a catch phrase or slogan came out, "WWJD". It showed up on mugs, bracelets, T-shirts, posters, bumper stickers, you name it. It reminded people to pause and think about how Jesus would respond, re-act and behave in situations.
This past week of HelloMorning, week 7, we dug into 1 Peter 2:13-25. There are so many great teaching points in these verses, and so much challenge there. One of the verses that would cause me to stop, re-read and ponder was verse 15: "For God wants you to silence the ignorant ways of foolish people by the good things you do".
The Bible isn't beating around the bush here. Our conduct and deeds need to be exemplary. We need to stick-out in a crowd, we are set apart, we aren't to blend into a crowd. The Bible takes away any excuses in vs 21. Christ is our living example of how to live, behave and love. Our LIVING example, not just a guide book, or a list of rules. He came, walked the earth, faced tougher situations than I ever will, and it is recorded how He acted, re-acted, behaved, spoke.... I am called to follow this.

My Wednesday morning with the kids was brutal. My daughter had a 'crisis', her lunch wasn't what she wanted. By 7:15AM she threw her lunch in the green bin, yelled, screamed and cried that I am the worst mother in the world and she hates me. She also had to pummel her brother, and meanwhile the 3rd child was melting down because his socks were bothering him *again* (I need to get this kid different socks!). Oh, and I was in the shower for most of this, dripping wet. So, how did I respond? With yelling & screaming of course. I was in a hurry, V had to be dropped at school by 8am, which is the exact time I need to arrive at school for coaching.
Once everyone was where they needed to be that day, I was able to shake off the uglies from the morning. And I kept thinking, Jesus come back, come and be me for one day. Show me how to mother, parent, be a teacher, wife, coach, volunteer... I know you healed people, spoke to crowds, transformed lives, but Jesus, can you come and be me for one day? Show me how to be the perfect good mom who doesn't scream back when 3 kids are killing each other. Show me how to be the best french teacher, to classes of teen kids who hate french, whose parents think education is babysitting and teachers are lazy and greedy. Show me how to give of myself to others, but manage to leave something left over for my devoted husband, who is neglected as much as the cat. And Jesus, show me how to care for me, how to nurture myself because no one else does, and if I don't take that time, I am more apt for blow ups.
Dear Jesus, WWJD is a cute saying, but I am sort of wishing there was a bible written for me. I love that you healed, spoke to crowds, fed the hungry, but can you show me how to live my life?

Aha moment, HelloMornings week 3

It wasn't what I was supposed to be reflecting on that morning, but it was an aha moment. This week we were digging in to 1 Peter 1:3-12. I would slow down a bit when the scriptures talked about the trials that we would surely suffer. It tells us that trials are merely there to prove our faith is genuine, and to help us develop endurance.
My mom would at times remind me by quoting the scripture that precious gold must be put into the fire. It is refined but not consumed by the flames. (it's driving me nuts that I can't find the exact reference, I will keep working on that. Perhaps it is a line from a hymn and not scripture?)
So, this week, the thought of trials was in my head. I thought about listing my trials. Pen in hand, I couldn't think of one! How amazingly blessed I am to not be able to list trials. Now maybe I am naive, or dim-witted, or optimistic. Reality is, yes I have trials, but in comparison to others, I have it very easy. All the 'icks' in my life are temporary.
So, what's a girl to do, who doesn't think she has major trials?
The aha was this. Perhaps God hasn't given me huge trials to test me (yet). But maybe He is watching how I react to the mini-trials in my life?
I have no crises trial, but rather mini-trials.
I don't know ladies. Any thoughts? I obviously haven't been to Bible school and perhaps dim-witted is the best word in this blog so far ;)

Blessings at Sick Kids

The thing about Sick Kids hospital...
It is filled with recent memories and most of them are pretty good. There were about 2 days that were challenging and draining, and one night of silent, hot tears and desperate tweets asking for prayers. God kept sending assurances and I have said many times since our weeklong stay in June, God's fingerprints are everywhere at that hospital.

So many times in June, as well as this past Thursday, I prayed prayers of praise and thanksgiving as well as humble questions. Why is my daughter so lucky? Why are we so blessed? How do parents do this in other countries? How do parents do this, who live at the hosptial, whose children never leave.

When we stayed for our week, Victoria was the eldest in our tiny wing. She was the healthiest there by a long shot. Most of her neighbours were transplant patients. One of her neighbour's little body wasn't accepting his transplant well. The parents and family were beyond tears, they were angry, questioning, asking, pleading, tired. I am sure at night they had their hot, silent tears. Or maybe not. There is a limit to how long you can emotionally keep reacting. At some point, I imagine you go numb, go through motions and conversations like a zombie.

Another little friend next to her had been there for four months. We rarely saw mom. When we did she had 2 other children with her. This small child / young toddler, too sick to toddle, was left being cared for by nurses and volunteers. Nurses are too busy to hold babies. Volunteers aren't always around. It was tough to listen to cries and not be able/allowed to intervene. What awaits that child when they go home?

How many parents would gladly change spots with us, to only have a child with a GI disease? No chemo, no radiation, no surgeries (at least not yet), all body parts.... A healthy child is such a miracle. That is one of the great things about SK. It reminds me how richly blessed I am.

My gorgeous girl had her scheduled MRI on Thursday night. She is such a trooper, it is astounding. We made it to the hospital with almost no traffic and we were able to snag a great parking spot. Everything went so smoothly, we arrived an hour ahead of schedule. The MRIs were running on time (blessing!). The barium she had to drink went down no problem and this was a huge relief, because when she had to prep for her scopes, the fluids she had to drink were a ....hassle. The doc was kind & funny and handled V well. There was one point that was pretty upsetting to her and he calmed her down quickly. Honestly, I sat with her the whole time and I was imagining myself in her shoes, at 9! It would be a challenge at this point in my life, and here she was, 9.... This girl amazes me. We finished by 9pm, hit the Starbucks in the lobby for a treat for her and some caffeine for my drive home. She was a great navigator, as my GPS was trying to send me some bizarre way. She was a bit emotional when we arrived home, just from being so tired. She was able to go to bed quickly and the next day was fine. (I was pretty beat, not from being up a bit later but the darn drive kicks my butt everytime).
So, with the MRI done, she got her wish. Saturday we went to get her ears pierced. You can't imagine a happier girl :)

kick crohns to the curb

So this is me and my girl V. This is one of my favorite pictures, in the whole world. No make-up, no fancy clothes or poses, just me and my girl, sweaty and happy. I couldn't have been more proud of her. It was just 2km, but to her it was like running a marathon. Two months before this photo was taken, she and I spent a week at Sick Kids hospital. She had numerous tests, many of them unpleasant, and we waited (and waited, and waited...) for a diagnosis. It was Crohns, which is what the medical team suspected. It isn't the best, but it is far from terrible. We can do this. I know she will have ups and downs. {She doesn't realize it yet}. But for this girl who couldn't do more than go to school then come home to sit or sleep, running 2km straight was a huge accomplishment. I am proud of her for this, and for so many other things. I don't want to forget how blessed I am.

Hello Mornings, 2 weeks in

What a great challenge Hello Mornings is!

Just being 2 weeks in, I am happy and blessed by what a difference waking up before my some of my family is. Thankfully my son who often wakes up within moments of my feet hitting the floor, is quite content to sit and wait for me to finish my quiet time. (TV can be a good thing). After my quiet time reading the scripture, writing a few words or verses that speak to me, I ponder a bit about what I have read and spend some time in prayer. Then I get right into the exercise. I think this has been huge for me. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have gone through a brief season (Lent)of waking up early to spend time with God, but adding this exercise component has been great. I am finding I feel stronger and fitter (even though I am not physically different yet, I know it will follow). Getting the exercise done first thing has even motivated me a few times to get a second session of activity in later on in the day. I am not talking about huge sweat sessions, but a walk or jog with my kids after dinner, or playing at the playground instead of sitting.

Knowing I have to check in with my group keeps me accountable and motivates me to make sure I do these things.

I am really surprised with the level of honesty and vulnerability the group has shared with one another. Perhaps it's easier to be vulnerable because (I think) few of us know one another in real life. And let me tell ya, the bible knowledge and deep faith these women have, holy smokes! Truly awesome to get to know these women of faith.

Hello Mornings, just two weeks in = what a blessing. Thanks be to God. (and my good friend who put out the simple Facebook invite).

My many Coffee dates

There are so many reasons why I love coffee dates with friends. The great thing about a coffee date is that it can happen at any location.

At your home, with kids and moms around, it usually entails warming up the morning brew, yoga pants on, ponytails high, and kids jumping on the basement couch.

Oh, but coffee can also be hip and trendy, at a cute downtown shop, where you wear your boots, bring your decent purse, and re-apply lipstick. And coffee there isn't homebrew, it is fair-trade, organic, freshly brewed, and has a fancy name with a posh price.

And being Canadian, meeting a friend at Tim Horton's, (or Tim's, or Timmy's as it is affectionately referred to) falls somewhere in the middle. You can rush there to catch up with a friend after work. Meeting for a playdate at the park usually involves the special brown papercup and a small box of Tim Bits.

I have met friends for coffee for years, decades in fact. It is my favorite thing to do. It can be 30 minutes to several hours, and there is nothing more comforting than the location, the warmth of the refreshment and the rejuvenation it brings to me, physically and emotionally.

What's your favorite place to grab a coffee?
Who is your favorite coffee date?

Missing mom

No matter our age, I think we all need mom. My mom has been gone for a decade, which for me at this stage, that is pretty much a lifetime. In a decade, I have had three children, a new home, and a new career. I can barely remember my life before kids, so to think that my mother has been gone longer than that, well is sucks the air out of me.

I am not going to write a post about how wonderful she was and how idyllic my life would be if she were here. She was wonderful and life would be better.... but since you didn't know my mom, you would probably imagine I was being romantic in my memories.

The tough part, is that she was an exceptional mom and woman, and, I am nothing like her. That is not to say I am not a good mom and good woman. We all have our positive traits, and I have a few if I must admit ;) BUT, I am nothing like her. While she was patient, kind, caring, and well spoken, I tend to be less patient, slightly outspoken, bold and at times abrasive. I would LOVE to be more like her, but I am wired differently and it takes such effort and prayer to watch my tongue.

Among a thousand reasons, I miss her because I'd love advice with childrearing, her assurances of what I am doing, her bond with my kids and the occasional free babysitting. (it would make me more balanced, so I am not being totally selfish, right?)

We coerced my dad to come to the family cottage last weekend, which is very difficult for him. He stared going to the cottage when he and my mom were dating, at the age of 17. They dated during highshcool, remained a couple for the start of university and were married at 22. They had 41 years together, and that many summers at the cottage. To say the cottage is filled with memories and touches of my mom is an understatement. On the porch, I sat watching the kids and my dad. They just want to hang out with him, do whatever he was doing, talk and play. He wanted to cross things off his to-do list. My dad has a different relationship with the kids. My mom would have been present, interested and loving. My dad, well, he is good for 30 minutes or so, then he isn't really sure what to do. When he and his wife have the kids for a sleepover (about twice a year) the weekend is filled to the brim with activities. I think it keeps the pressure to a minimum, if the kids are entertained, less time and energy need to be spent on building a relationship. ouch. that hurts to say about my dad, but I think it's the truth.

I can't have my mom, but I do have great memories of her and she is a part of me. She was the best example, and if I could be half as good as she was, my kids will be blessed.

Ignited again

Three hours was the total time of my escape getaway today.

Hubby's aunt came to watch the kids for a few hours so I could meet a church staffer for coffee. Our church happens to do the BEST Children's Ministry in town (or very likely this part of Ontario, maybe even ALL of Ontario!) She is the Children's ministry director and I have been a volunteer in one of the children's environments since we started. I love what we do, and I feel grateful for what we offer kids (and parents) every Sunday morning. BUT, I got burnt out. Once I was at church it was fine, but some Sunday mornings on my way to church, (with my three monkeys fighting in the back seat), I was thinking WHAT ON EARTH AM I DOING? I am a mom of three, and I teach kids full-time, so by Sunday I am a bit 'done' with kids.

Maybe it's time for you to evaluate what your time is spent on, and think about how passionate you are about it. Has your pep waned at all? Maybe you need to talk to an ironfriend. Is she noticing your change in attitude? Fresh eyes can shed lots of great insight.

I am blessed to know this staffer very well, and she knows my personality and my strengths. Luckily she is a super creative person, and I think she created this position just for me :) Finding this volunteer role that I am excited about and that I think suits my abilities, really invigorates me and gives me a boost. It's amazing how one conversation, and one re-direction can re-ignite enthousiasm.

No, that isn't your best colour

This morning as I was drinking my coffee and reading Proverbs, this verse popped off the page at me.

"An honest answer is a sign of true friendship". Proverbs 24:26 (TEV)

Does that ring true for anyone else?

I value my friends, each one of them, but there are some friends I know will give me a straight-up answer. Sure, at times they beat around the bush and try to find the gentlest way of saying it, but eventually they say what I need to hear. To be honest, I don't often ask people's opinions. I don't know what that is all about.... Sure I ask about how I should get my hair cut (to be precise, I ask multiple friends this approx every 8 weeks), I ask colleagues teaching questions, I ask my husband just about everything, but when it comes to the tough stuff, I tend to try to figure it out myself.

Here's an 'honesty' example. A colleague and I were chatting and the topic of clothing came up. I told her how excited I was to be making a girls trip to my hometown, and that I had even bought a new dress, in my absolute favorite colour - navy. She then proceeded to tell me how navy isn't my best colour. Can you say devastated! My favorite colour to wear for the past hundred years, and someone NOW tells me it isn't really 'my' colour!
Honest? Maybe.
A true friend - yes.

(I'd love to post a picture of me in that navy dress, but for *some* reason I don't like any of the pics of me in that dress.... ).

A better example of someone speaking truth to me was today after church. I told my friend how I had an upcoming meeting with someone on our church staff, and we would be chatting about where I was going to serve this year. (I have served for over 4 years in our children's ministry, but took this summer off to recuperate after my daughter had some medical issues and a hospital stay in June). My friend asked me how I would respond and gently prodded. I told her one area that I thought I would be interested in (which is not in children's ministry) and she reminded me that throughout this year I had given enough clues to her when chatting that it really is time for a change. I didn't ask this friend for her advice or her opinion, but a true friend speaks truth.

Sometimes we need the honest truth. If you are hearing from a friend to slow down, or maybe they suggest you are doing too much, or you need to look after yourself, chances are they are a true friend.

Do you have true friends that will give you an honest answer?

Keeping the mask off

My last post was so honest, it was tough to share it with anyone. It isn't my personality to be so vulnerable and open, I tend to keep most people at arms length (which is a whole other post). I am not sure why I decided to publish it, other than I think too many of us walk around wearing masks and only reveal small slivers of who we really are. What if we were all honest and vulnerable? Would we treat one another with greater care and be kinder? Exposing our weaknesses takes courage and strength. To admit you can't do it all alone and you need love and support - why is that so hard to do? I myself don't usually go to other people for that support, but I do rely on God. The other day I know He heard my anguish and fatigue and despair. God doesn't always answer our prayers in a big way (like sending me a nanny, or child shrink, or a bottle of white, or a double-double....) but I do believe God works in my life everyday, answering in His way, in His time. He did send me little blessings of respite. Here are some of the little ways:

- After the beach the kids were calmer and quieter.
- I was able to get to a pilates class. Having the hour away and doing something positive for my body was a mood-booster.
- My husband cleaned the kitchen so I didn't have to face the dishes after pilates
- The following day I had a call from a friend. Just chatting for a few minutes was a nice start to the day.
- The kids were at a half day camp, so having 3 hours to myself helped a lot. I read a few blogs, I went for a walk (it was supposed to be a run, but I won't beat myself up over that), I did groceries and bought a birthday gift for our niece. Not a big list of accomplishments, but they go so much quicker and calmer when I can do it solo.
- A good friend came over that afternoon with her two boys and we let the kids loose and we chatted. I was still feeling the drain from the day before, but good friends roll with it :)
- I had a few messages from 2 friends who were full of support.

Am I the only one who struggles with keeping the mask off? Do you show your weaknesses?

Failing

Today has been exceptionally rough.
I won't go into detail, because the details never seem to matter much in the long run. It could be any day really, but some days hit me harder than others.
I brought my three to the beach this afternoon, and we had a friend of my daughters come as well. I set up the beach chair and angled it so I could watch the four play. I needed these few minutes of relative calm while the kids played. I let my head rest on the back of the chair, my face angled to the sky and poured my heart out to God. I wish I could say this was the first time I had prayed this type of prayer but the truth is God has heard my cries many times. I want to know how I can be so terrible at parenting. How could I get so much wrong, so often? Why did God give me such a challenging son? There are times I want to pretend he isn't mine, to turn my back on the playground and pretend I don't know who the mother is. I don't want to have to get up again, to intervene, apologize, explain, conjole, or fix another misunderstanding between kids. At times I wish I had a diagnosis for him. How sick and twisted is that? That a mother would WISH something was officially wrong with her son? It would ease the pain and embarrassement and the reality that there isn't anything wrong with him, but rather it is maybe me. Maybe I am just not a good parent. I can't keep the tears from falling. Failing as a mother I cry to God. Please hold me, whisper in my ear, tell me this will pass and that You will carry me through and give me strength.

Hi, I'm not a blogger

A funny/odd title, I know, but I thought if I put it out there no one would feel obliged to tell me I am doing it all wrong :)

I LOVE blogs, in fact I am embarrased to say how much time I spend checking out my favorite ones. I can often be heard spouting off some news, ideas or inspirations, and I almost always preface it by saying I read it on a blog, or found out on Twitter.

So, if right off the bat I am saying I don't write or blog, why am I doing this? Memory. I used to love to journal and diary, although those diaries that came already dated where a huge stressor. I would start out dutifully and record my thoughts, feelings each and every day. Then, I'd miss a day, or two. Pretty soon the white spaces would stress me out and I would abandon the diary all together. Journalling was a better fit, and I do still have a number of journals I sometimes pick up, when time permits.

Ah, but the computer! I seem to be always close to one and I can record words much faster this way.

So, for HelloMornings, and whatever else seems to float my boat, I am going to try to record my thoughts, maybe some prayers and some questions. I hope to be able to read back, remember the feelings, and see how God has moved through circumstances and daily life.

Welcome to a transparent me. It likely won't be pretty, or well written, or fancy, but it will be honest!

Why HelloMornings

It's a glorious morning and I feel calm and content, rested and relaxed. I am sitting on the rocks, a coffee to one side, my bible and a book on the other, and I wonder and wish every morning could start like this. What's the difference between this blissful morning and my 'typical' morning?
1) hubby is here and he is managing the kids
2) there is no schedule and no rush

How can I recreate this as best I can when life returns to normal? (meaning school & work re-commence)

Hopefully the HelloMornings challenge can help me create a new habit which will help our mornings as well as our day.

I've done the 'wake-up early' thing before. During Lent I woke up 40 minutes early for 40 days. It did make a difference many days to spend concentrated time in scripture and prayer. I also had a specific list of prayers for each day of the week. I enjoyed sharing with the kids some of my morning prayer topics and focus'.

I realise the HelloMornings challenge can't recreate a cottage morning in the sun, with a husband around in the mornings to manage the kids, but hopefully it will help me to create a rhythm in the mornings where I can focus on God, spend some time on myself and prepare for a smoother day when we are all home.

http://inspiredtoaction.com/hellomornings/

He provided

Here it is, the second last day of July and I recieved the best gift ever. The kids are at their grandparents, hubby is at work. I woke up with no alarm clock, no children fighting and no to-do list. It was such a gift. I enjoyed my coffee in quiet and spent some time reading another chapter of Proverbs. After a bit of time I got my run gear on, filled my water belt, got my post-run drink made and in the freezer. And out the door. I wasn't even off the driveway and I was so overcome with love and gratitude. The feeling was filling me, of how God has provided for me. He knew how much I needed this morning. A morning of solitude and quiet, a morning for me and Him. I have missed running so much, in fact I didn't realize how much I had missed it. The sun, the quiet roads, the country air. I feel so blessed to live where we do. This time this morning made me fall in love with my home and community. The peace and solitude of where we live. I usually listen to a podcast as I run/walk, but today I decided I would spend it all quietly, praying and listening. I didn't hear any responses from God, but I know His answer to me today was this morning of peace. Thank you Lord for loving me and for gifting me with this day.