Keeping the mask off

My last post was so honest, it was tough to share it with anyone. It isn't my personality to be so vulnerable and open, I tend to keep most people at arms length (which is a whole other post). I am not sure why I decided to publish it, other than I think too many of us walk around wearing masks and only reveal small slivers of who we really are. What if we were all honest and vulnerable? Would we treat one another with greater care and be kinder? Exposing our weaknesses takes courage and strength. To admit you can't do it all alone and you need love and support - why is that so hard to do? I myself don't usually go to other people for that support, but I do rely on God. The other day I know He heard my anguish and fatigue and despair. God doesn't always answer our prayers in a big way (like sending me a nanny, or child shrink, or a bottle of white, or a double-double....) but I do believe God works in my life everyday, answering in His way, in His time. He did send me little blessings of respite. Here are some of the little ways:

- After the beach the kids were calmer and quieter.
- I was able to get to a pilates class. Having the hour away and doing something positive for my body was a mood-booster.
- My husband cleaned the kitchen so I didn't have to face the dishes after pilates
- The following day I had a call from a friend. Just chatting for a few minutes was a nice start to the day.
- The kids were at a half day camp, so having 3 hours to myself helped a lot. I read a few blogs, I went for a walk (it was supposed to be a run, but I won't beat myself up over that), I did groceries and bought a birthday gift for our niece. Not a big list of accomplishments, but they go so much quicker and calmer when I can do it solo.
- A good friend came over that afternoon with her two boys and we let the kids loose and we chatted. I was still feeling the drain from the day before, but good friends roll with it :)
- I had a few messages from 2 friends who were full of support.

Am I the only one who struggles with keeping the mask off? Do you show your weaknesses?

Failing

Today has been exceptionally rough.
I won't go into detail, because the details never seem to matter much in the long run. It could be any day really, but some days hit me harder than others.
I brought my three to the beach this afternoon, and we had a friend of my daughters come as well. I set up the beach chair and angled it so I could watch the four play. I needed these few minutes of relative calm while the kids played. I let my head rest on the back of the chair, my face angled to the sky and poured my heart out to God. I wish I could say this was the first time I had prayed this type of prayer but the truth is God has heard my cries many times. I want to know how I can be so terrible at parenting. How could I get so much wrong, so often? Why did God give me such a challenging son? There are times I want to pretend he isn't mine, to turn my back on the playground and pretend I don't know who the mother is. I don't want to have to get up again, to intervene, apologize, explain, conjole, or fix another misunderstanding between kids. At times I wish I had a diagnosis for him. How sick and twisted is that? That a mother would WISH something was officially wrong with her son? It would ease the pain and embarrassement and the reality that there isn't anything wrong with him, but rather it is maybe me. Maybe I am just not a good parent. I can't keep the tears from falling. Failing as a mother I cry to God. Please hold me, whisper in my ear, tell me this will pass and that You will carry me through and give me strength.

He provided

Here it is, the second last day of July and I recieved the best gift ever. The kids are at their grandparents, hubby is at work. I woke up with no alarm clock, no children fighting and no to-do list. It was such a gift. I enjoyed my coffee in quiet and spent some time reading another chapter of Proverbs. After a bit of time I got my run gear on, filled my water belt, got my post-run drink made and in the freezer. And out the door. I wasn't even off the driveway and I was so overcome with love and gratitude. The feeling was filling me, of how God has provided for me. He knew how much I needed this morning. A morning of solitude and quiet, a morning for me and Him. I have missed running so much, in fact I didn't realize how much I had missed it. The sun, the quiet roads, the country air. I feel so blessed to live where we do. This time this morning made me fall in love with my home and community. The peace and solitude of where we live. I usually listen to a podcast as I run/walk, but today I decided I would spend it all quietly, praying and listening. I didn't hear any responses from God, but I know His answer to me today was this morning of peace. Thank you Lord for loving me and for gifting me with this day.